Football: Maybe not England's cup of tea.

British Prime Minister David Cameron has welcomed a proposal to change the national sport of England. Reporting to the Commons on the findings of a committee set up to probe the disappointing performance in the 2010 World Cup, Cameron told the Commons that “Random street violence” of the kind witnessed every Saturday night in every major urban centre is “obviously an area where there is a lot of national homegrown talent” is the way to go.

The government will draw up plans to create a World Aggro Cup, inviting other countries to participate, and is confident that the men in red shirts will be sucessful, even if the shirts are white at the beginning of the match. He went on to say: “Where we have made the mistake in the past is in believing that because we won the World Cup once, we are somehow a major force in international football. The evidence says otherwise, especially when you consider that we got shown up by Algeria, a country where players are remunerated by not having their families executed, and the USA, where the sport is supported by mums who don’t want little Kyle or Corey to injure himself before violin practice. Yet on the streets of Newcastle or Leeds, we can see the raw natural talent needed to make us a superpower in this new sport.

And let us not forget that that this is a 21st century sport, which men and women can play together. Indeed, many of our footballers will be able to transfer over to the new sport, having shown a great talent for beating up women. It should also be noted  that many English women have shown, again on a Saturday night, great skill in this new area, and the ability to multitask as well, being able to urinate whilst pulling another slag’s hair at the same time and telling her to “Stay awa’ frim me man!”

This is it. Violence is coming home!”