Budget airline Ryanair have announced new procedures for passengers from today, which will involve passengers wrestling with a six foot lizard, leaping through a ring of fire, and disarming an explosive device by cutting the correctly coloured wire. The company denied that this was part of a cost cutting exercise. “No, this is a morale thing. Whilst our staff are still amused by watching people play the Squeeze-the-bag-in-the-metal-frame-get-in-ya-little-bo**ix-Maura-what-the-hell-did-you-pack-in-this-effin-thing-anyway-mother-of-Jesus-we’re-only-staying-with-your-sister-for-the-one-night game, they were getting bored, so we decided to up the ante a bit.”
Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary pointed out that passengers “were getting their f**king tickets for next to nothing anyway, so where’s the harm? Sure a lot of them could do with the exercise, and as well as that, we’re providing employment for lizards who’d only end up as some fat one’s handbag anyway.”