Posted by Jason O on Nov 2, 2012 in Not quite serious.
, US Politics
Activate the voting machines!
Good evening. As you know, for the last sixty years my predecessor clones and I have headed up SPECTRE, the Special Executive Council for Terror, Revenge and Extortion. During that time, we have fought various Western governments with their concepts of democracy and the rule of law. Then in the early 1980s, a new Australian member of the Council proposed a different approach. Rather than fight governments directly, why not take them over from inside?
We started by funding candidates willing to support our agenda, who then changed the laws on campaign financing and media balance and fairness, and then set up our own news channel to beam propaganda direct to the public. We also set up special committees to target specific groups of voters who could be bent to our agenda through emotional manipulation.
To be honest, I was sceptical. I’m a bit of a traditionalist, whether it is by stealing nuclear submarines or placing menacing platforms in space, but the results speak for themselves. SPECTRE owned energy and big business interests have done very nicely since 1980, and all legally too! We actually got to write the laws ourselves! And we’re saving a fortune in not having to maintain large and costly private armies. In fact, with the rise in private security outfits after Iraq, we can just buy in hired goons as we need them, without any pesky HR costs. And it’s all tax deductible (SPECTRE ® is a Delaware registered corporation. For tax reasons).
Of course, it’s not all perfect. By the end of the Bush administration, even we were glad to see the back of them, because they were so incompetent. It’s true, we did go in for the oil, but they made such a balls of the occupation that it took ages to get any of the sodding stuff out. Truth is, if Saddam hadn’t haggled so tough on the price, we would have left him there. So when Obama got in, we weren’t that worried. Another Democrat promising the stars. Big deal.
Then he killed that actor from “Knot’s Landing” we hired to play the character of Osama bin Laden, and brought in Universal healthcare and started complaining about how campaigns were financed. Next he’ll be appointing judges who don’t think freedom of speech has a price. Can’t have that. So we’ve decided to run our own campaign. Perhaps you’ve heard of our SuperPAC? SPEcial Committee To get Republicans Elected? By the way, Mitt isn’t a member of SPECTRE, funnily enough. Nor was George W. Probably never even heard of us. That’s not how we operate. No, we prefer to put people close to them. And not who you think either: Dick Cheney isn’t a member, because I know that if I let that bastard in the door he’d be after my job in weeks. Let’s just say, our guy in the Romney administration’s name rhymes with, eh, let’s say…Baul Byan.
So, vote Romey-Ryan on Tuesday. Because evil organisations dedicated to global domination are people too.