Brosnan: Will cut a dash at European Council meetings.

The Irish Tourist Board has proposed that the membership of the lower house of the Irish Parliament, Dail Eireann, be replaced by well known Irish actors.

A source in the state agency said: “The thinking is that, as proven by opposition deputies reading Michael Noonan’s speeches back to him, it doesn’t really matter who wins elections in Ireland. The country’s too small to actually control its own direction, so we might as well make politics a bit more interesting for the tourists. How about Pierce Brosnan as Taoiseach, maybe Gabriel Byrne as leader of the opposition? We reckon we could get Martin Sheen to do a few cameos as minister for foreign affairs, and maybe Sharon Corr as health minister, I mean, she looks healthy!

We were thinking of Claire Tully as Science minister, but it turns out that not only is she a model, but she actually has a honours degree from Trinity in Science, so the department vetoed it on the grounds that they’re not going to set a precedent of having a minister who actually knows more about something than they do. Liam Neeson is looking good as Justice minister, by the way. Farrell has asked can he be minister for love?”