Jason OMahony - Irish political blogger, Irish politics, EU politics
 
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FBI raid on Willy Wonka slavery, child torturing ring. Chocolatier killed in escape attempt.

Posted by Jason O on Oct 8, 2014 in Cult TV, Movies/TV/DVDs, Not quite serious.

Willy WonkaFederal agents raiding a chocolate factory have uncovered evidence of the massive psychological torturing and poisoning of a small group of children at the direction of confectionary billionaire William Wonka. The world-famous candy manufacturer, who recently donated millions to the Republican party in opposition to “over-regulation in the workplace” was found to have drugged a number of children with experimental poisons. One child was transformed into a state of obesity and also suffered extreme skin pigmentation changes. One small boy was bombarded with radiation, and later died of cancer.

Files also revealed a shockingly casual approach to workplace safety, with one German national falling into an unguarded liquid chocolate manufacturing process and being sucked through industrial vacuum tubes. The child in question is still in residence in a leading German psychological facility. Two other individuals narrowly avoided being cut to pieces by a high speed fan. Another fell into a nut de-shelling device.

Federal agents expressed shock at the number and conditions of over one thousand pygmies, natives of a small African state, being held as an unpaid workforce. The pygmies had become discoloured by exposure to chemicals in the workplace, and had been turned a “grotesque” orange hue through daily exposure. Translators revealed that the pygmies had been told by Wonka that their homeland had been eaten by a giant monster. The state department is making arrangements for their return.

Wonka is believed to have perished later when he escaped in a glass sided rocket powered aircraft of his own design which, after failing to comply with instructions to land by federal authorities, was shot down by scrambled air force jets.

 
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Mayor Power will see you now, Deputy Martin…

Posted by Jason O on Oct 5, 2014 in Irish Politics, Not quite serious.

Averil powerMeanwhile, in an alternate universe…

Micheal Martin is sitting nervously in a small waiting room in North Dublin, a battered jotter with “Election 2016 strategy” written on the front cover in his best copperplate.

“The mayor will see you now,” the young official says, and leads him into the modern glass and timber office of the first directly elected executive mayor of Dublin Fingal. A number of whiteboards are dotted around the room, with budget projections and policy concepts scrawled on them. Behind her, on very full but tidy bookshelves, a picture of her and Mayor Bill De Blasio of New York sits between reports on urban renewal and poverty reduction. The county flag, Dublin flag, tricolour and EU flag all stand behind the desk. It’s all very The West Wing.

Her office is nicer than his.

Averil Power offers him a seat, and a cup of green tea. He comes to the point quickly.

“I need you to run in the general.”

She grimaces.

“Micheal, I’ve only been in office for a year, since Big Phil brought in elected mayors. And you know the Can’t Have Your Cake And Eat It law as well as I do. I’d have to resign as mayor first, in order to run.”

“Yes, well, I know, but…”

“I like being mayor. I control a budget of €215 million. We’re doing really interesting things here. Breakfast clubs for low income kids, commercial-rate free enterprise zones, more social housing. It’s not like the Seanad at all, Michael. I don’t have to sit with aul fellas banging on about Garth Brooks or seagulls or listen to Norris talking about people’s fannies. I get to have quiet meetings with the county manager and experts and we calmly discuss our options and make actual decisions that matter. Decisions that actually matter, Micheal!”

“That’s great but…”

“And anyway, you know damn well Big Phil put all the mayors 100% in charge of the Local Property Tax. My face is actually on the bill people get through the letterbox. My face! It’s the law! I set the property tax rate, and Big Phil has made sure everybody knows.

Someone told me recently that he’s so devious, Micheal, that he’s started making witty asides to himself in a southern US accent. The point is, there’s no guarantee I could actually win a seat anyway. At least if I serve my full term I can show people how I spent their property tax…eh… Micheal, are you crying?”

“Please Averil! Nobody will run. Hanafin wouldn’t even let me into her office. I had to shout through a letterbox. Then when I got into the office she wouldn’t let me out of the headlock until I called her Mayor Hanafin. Look, I’ve still got the teeth marks on my ear.”

Martin slumps back in his seat.

“I was talking to Gerry, and the Shinners are the same. All his lot are loving being mayors too. He’s actually thinking about running his teddy in Dublin South, and a cardboard cut-out of Spiderman in Cork South Central! This was Big Phil’s plan, you know. Let us win all the mayoral elections and lose all our best candidates. And every time we try to bring up the Property Tax in the Dail Enda starts telling us that it’s our mayors that set it. I’m wandering around the country pleading with people to run. Last night I was so tired that I ended up in a drive-thru McDonald’s in Roscrea! A McDonald’s! I asked the young fella taking my order had he ever considered seeking public office. He turned me down, Averil, he turned me down! Bwaaaaaaa!”

“Here, take a hankie. They’re recycled from decommissioned landmines. Hillary gave me them. Come on, you’ll ruin your lovely shirt. Don’t wipe your nose on your sleeve!”

“Why didn’t those bastards in the government just keep talking guff about political reform? Sure nobody ever really asks on the doors about it anyway, I mean, I’ve never been chased away from a solid Party List using D’Hondt house! Have you? But no, they went and actually brought in reform, and look what it’s done to us and the Shinners. All over the country all our best candidates are runnin’ things and making decisions and now you’re all too good to be TDs!

But someone’s got to sit on the backbenches, Averil, someone has to sit behind me besides Willy. You know how bad it’s gotten in the PP? I’ll tell you. Two of them are dead. Dead! One of them died in his sleep, and the other one tried to read that Thomas Piketty book by accident. We’re carrying them in and out of the chamber like “Weekend at Bernies”, and storing the cadavers in a freezer behind that huge pile of McGrath’s unopened Economist magazines. Sure, nobody’s noticed, and the Irish Times praised their debate attendance records, but it can’t go on Averil, it can’t go on!”

 
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Enda Kenny blames Hogwarts Sorting Hat for State Board Nominations.

Posted by Jason O on Oct 3, 2014 in Irish Politics, Not quite serious.

The Taoiseach, Enda Kenny, has announced today that the recent scandal involving party nominees being appointed to state boards has been caused by a magical sorting hat in party headquarters. Journalists were led into a room in the party’s headquarters and shown a large hat which the party claims dispenses suitable names for appointment in compliance with legislation. The Taoiseach, when questioned, expressed his confidence that the hat was very well informed about the requisite regulations in “at least as much as headwear or, say, Heather Humphries, can be in this regard.”

During the press conference, one journalist pointed out that there was a large hole cut into both the hat and the table it was sitting on. The Taoiseach suggested that the building had a particularly virulent rodent problem. Looking under the table, it was revealed that the aforementioned mice seemed to enjoy reading a copy of the Fine Gael membership list.

Micheal Martin, leader of Fianna Fail, attacked the government’s reliance on an inanimate object to make decisions. When he was challenged to prove that he himself was not an inanimate object, he quickly fled from the room. Raised voices were later heard from another room, including a Corkman pleading with a “Miss Hanafin” to “Please, not the wicked stick again, no, not the face, not the face!”

 
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Republicans demand that US Ebola victims only be cured of Ebola.

Posted by Jason O on Oct 2, 2014 in Not quite serious., US Politics

Rick PerryThe leadership of the US Republican Party has warned the Obama administration that it will not tolerate the recent potential outbreak of Ebola in Texas being used as an excuse to promote “socialist” medicine.

“We know how this works. The president and his communist cronies, after finishing their daily prayers to Allah, will tell federal medical officials to not only treat possible infected people for the Ebola virus, but any other illnesses they might have acquired previous to catching the virus,” J. McAdoo McAdoo III, the RNC spokesman, told reporters. “Suddenly, ordinary Americans who had been getting through life with untreated ailments get a little dose of Ebola and then socialism is the answer to everything. It’s very simple, you can go through life with an all-American open and weeping sore oozing puss, like our daddies did during the war, or you can find Big Government leaving you fit as a fiddle like some sort of Frenchman. Hell no!”

Texas governor Rick Perry has taken the lead on the matter. “I understand from medical advice that it is not really possible to treat Ebola and not cure other pre-existing illnesses. Now, before good God-fearing folk think I’ve turned into some sort of atheist homosexual or scientist, let me assure them that I have consulted scripture on this. That is why I have instructed the Texas Department of Health, having cured these people of Ebola, to inject them with a good old fashioned plague of the sort mentioned in the Bible. Then let them get that treated in any one of the many fine private sector medical practices available in this great state.”

President Obama responded to the GOP leadership by loudly banging his head repeatedly  on his desk in the Oval Office.

 
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An Occasional Guide to EU Politics: The Surprised Commissioner.

Posted by Jason O on Oct 2, 2014 in An Occasional Guide to EU Politics, European Union

The irony was that he was never into the European thing at all. Sure, he gave the usual pro-EU lip service when he was in the national parliament, but it just didn’t really float his boat. Then he became a minister, just as his member state took over the presidency. This, he thought to himself, is gong to be an awful drag, chairing meetings, flying off to Brussels at some god awful hour.

But the strangest thing happened. He loved it. One thing that was always said about him, he was a people person, a deal maker. That was how he got ahead in the party at home, but now, out here, it all clicked into place. Haggling with the Austrian fella in the corner, leaning on the Belgian, sympathising with the Greek, doing a favour for the Portuguese guy on his pet thing on the agenda, he was in his element. And what’s more, the other guys and girls liked him too. He cut through the bullshit, got actual decisions made, and got everybody out before midnight most nights. One thing about him: he didn’t have airs or graces, and wasn’t above pointing out “Look lads, if you’re all going to repeat what someone else said will you just say I agree with what she said, so we can fucking move on!”.

When the presidency ended, he was sure. This was what he wanted, to be out here, doing the business. Of course, the money was good too, and with him and the wife having parted ways the parade of stunning parliamentary assistants and stagieres didn’t go unnoticed either. The prime minister owed him a stack of brownie points, mostly for beating the crap out of the PM’s enemies in the parliamentary party, and so, sure enough, he was sent on his way.

It’s a different life: no constituents, actually getting to bed at a reasonable hour, and within a few months he has his parliamentary committee eating out of his hand by treating them as his new constituents, taking them for coffee or something stronger, working out their pet issues, remembering birthdays and kid’s names (that stuns them), doing favours where he can. The grub’s good too, he notices as he needs to treat himself to a new suit (or three, sure, he can afford it) on Avenue Louise. This, he thinks as he lies in bed on Sunday morning with a German MEP and divorcee who looked at bit like Catherine Deneuve, whom he sparred with only a day ago over subsidies to something or another, is the way it should be.

 
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Sovereignty: a play for radio.

Posted by Jason O on Oct 1, 2014 in Fiction, Irish Politics

Last year I wrote “Sovereignty”, a radio play about a female Irish Taoiseach. You can read it here.

Copyright © 2018 Jason O Mahony All rights reserved. Email: Jason@JasonOMahony.ie.