Kenny: Apparently in posession of a “well-filled” leopardskin pouch.

Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny TD (Mayo) has pledged that if elected Taoiseach in a future election, he is committed to making “sweet, sweet love” to every single Irish citizen who wants it.

Addressing a Fine Gael constituency dinner in Wicklow, Kenny told members that it was his wish to enter the homes of the nation, remove his cravat, slip off his blazer, turn the lights down low, put a little Henry Mancini on the CD player, and cradle the citizen in his strong, manly arms, kiss them delicately, and then take them gently but firmly to a crescendo of pleasure, repeatedly so if they desired.

A former lover remarked that “his wife is a lucky woman. That man…I’m still shivering when I think about it. The glistening sweat on his chest, that well-filled leopardskin thong! ”

Kenny is apparently not the only member of the FG parliamentary party to display prowess in the bedroom. A previous sexual partner of Leo Varadkar TD (Dublin West) told us that   “ He took me to bed with a bottle of baby oil, a Cadbury’s  Dairy Milk, and the complete collected writings of Milton Friedman. Not only did he show me ecstasy, but also left me with a very clear understanding of the theory of supply-side economics.” 

The FG press office has pointed out that Kenny’s pledge is part of the party’s desire to help salve the divisions in the country by confronting those feelings, and, in the words of Marvin Gaye, “and when I get that feeling, I want sexual healing.”