Three people have so far died in rioting in Manhattan, San Francisco and Chicago triggered by a man burning an iPad earlier in the week. Mr. Joe Smith of Pittsburgh torched the device in his garden last Tuesday, on the basis that he “didn’t really like it much”. A photo of him engaging in the act caused thousands of Apple customers to take to the streets in protest at his “sacrilege”.
Waving their iPads in the air, thousands clashed with police. One protester told us: “I’ve spent 28 hours in the ER after a policeman nearly scratched my iPad with his truncheon. Luckily I managed to block it with my head. So no harm. Except that I now have to sit down to wee.”
Steve Jobs of Apple has issued a fatwa against Mr. Smith, condemning him to a life of “poor broadband service, perpetual spam and may his operating system crash forever. Not one of ours, obviously, because that would not happen. Black turtleneck? I’ve a big box of them”.
President Obama has urged people involved to “cut this shit out. What’s wrong with you people? And you, stop burning those Korans.”