One day, you will be good enough for our products.
Apple have announced their newest product in a bid to regain momentum after the death of founder and guru Steve Jobs. Speaking from the company’s headquarters in Cupertino, California, a spokesperson revealed: “In making the leap from Mac to iPod to iPhone to iPad, as a company we’re constantly looking for the next game-changing product, and we think we have it.
The fact is, for a large number of our customers, our products are just too cool for them, and that troubles us. These are not only revolutionary pieces of hardware, but beautiful objects, and to see them in the hands of some overweight bearded mouthbreather is a challenge to us. We initally looked at the idea of having a screening process, where people could apply and we could determine as to whether they were a suitable Apple customer, but then we thought, hey, that’s not the Apple way! Instead, we have devised the iPersonality, which can be attached to the back of your neck just below your collar line. It’ll link into your brain pathways and before you know it, you’ll be Apple timber, mister! You’ll find yourself constantly checking for software updates, counting down the days to whatever product we decide you should be excited about, and getting wistful and misty eyed whenever you hear Steve Jobs’s name, looking off into the distance. Other features will include iConverse, which will provide the customer with interesting topics to insert into conversations such as “Who wants to set up a facebook group to get Steve nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize” and “USB ports on tablets? Don’t only paedophiles want them?” or “I don’t see why Apple can’t be registered as a church for charitable purposes. It seems perfectly reasonable to me.”
The company has admitted that the first version of the iPersonality suffered from getting stuck on “Douchebag” setting. The company has denied that there is hidden sub-routine to prevent iPersonality users from arresting senior Apple executives, and stated that a hidden file showing key sniper firing positions around the Microsoft campus in Washington state was “a joke”.