Posted by Jason O on Mar 2, 2015 in Not quite serious.
, US Politics
A blazing row has broken out in the GOP over the issue of whether the prime minister of Israel, Binyamin Nethanyahu, can be nominated as the Republican presidential nominee in 2016.
Rep. Jefferson Davis Cottonking (R-Alabama 3) has attacked party colleagues who suggested that Nethanyahu not being an American citizen, being born in a foreign country and being the actual prime minister of that foreign country might “not be ideal”.
“This is a disgrace. I yield to no man in my support for the state of Israel, and the idea that Bibi is not fit to be president of these god fearin’ united states, hell, you might as well be Osama Bin Laden to be sayin’ such things! Are you honestly telling me that Bibi Nethanyahu is less of an American than that pretender in the White House, Barack Hussein Obama? Aren’t we effectively equating Bibi with the same equal status as, say, a goddamn Frenchman? They can’t run either! Thank you Barack Hussein Obama and your “Constitution”!”
The GOP leadership, after humbly beseeching the Israeli prime minister’s forgiveness, proposed to make amends by legislating to allow the Knesset to nominate the next secretary of state.
The Mayor of 9/11(tm), Rudy Giuliani, has called on Israel to be allowed vote in the next US election, and called anyone who opposed the idea a Nazi terrorist.
“9/11 9/11 you’re a Nazi terrorist 9/11″ he said.
Posted by Jason O on Feb 27, 2015 in Not quite serious.
Voldemort, the dark wizard, has announced that he is declaring war on the fanatical extremists of ISIS. A spokeswizard said: “These people aren’t just, you know, baddies like me. They’re a disease, a cancer on the planet, a death cult that actually threatens normality. If NATO or China or anyone else isn’t going to step up, then I guess I’ll have to assemble an international coalition to do the job. I’ve spoken to the Daleks, who are onboard, and the Joker in Gotham City who has expressed serious concerns about their mental health. We’re currently working on reviving Stalin to help too. He’s great at motivating people, a real go-getter. Ayatollah Khomeini is coming back too. He said to me yesterday that “someone has to deal with these religious nutjobs!”
Posted by Jason O on Feb 12, 2015 in Irish Politics
, Not quite serious.
The Irish Department of Finance has confirmed that in the event of a No vote in May’s Marriage Equality referendum legislation will be brought forward to give a special LGBT tax free allowance. A spokesperson said: “Our lawyers have been looking at this. Turns out that it may be unconstitutional to be denying people equal rights but expecting them to pay the same level of taxation for less services. So we reckon a 10% tax cut should level it out.”
When asked as to how the Revenue Commissioners would work out who is actually LGBT, the spokesperson was unclear: “Yeah, that’s an issue alright. You know what the Irish are like. If there’s money involved, half the country will come out. We’re putting together a formula to create a threshold, you know, how many Pet Shop Boys tracks do you listen to on Spotify, how you pronounce the name “Liza”, and whether you think Kim Catrall is marvellous or not. That sort of thing.”
The anti-Marriage Equality campaign, “They’re Coming! They’re Coming!” has called for a tax credit for heterosexual men. “Real men,” their spokesman announced, “not a bunch of fairies. You know, the sort of guys who work out in the gym every day, letting the sweat run down their manly hairy chests as they pull their tight tee shirts over rippling…” the spokesperson then asked to be excused.
Posted by Jason O on Feb 11, 2015 in European Union
, Not quite serious.
Europe: not as much a place as a way of life.
A repost in honour of Australian entry into the Eurovision Song Contest.
As debate currently rages (why do debates always rage, and never, say, saunter?) over Britain’s future in the EU, some UK eurosceptics are quick to point to the Commonwealth as a potential alternative. This got me thinking: never mind the Brits, why are we in the EU not trying to get Australia, New Zealand and Canada to join up? Now, before you go off shouting, hear me out.
There are good reasons:
1. Firstly, it’s true, None of them are actually in Europe. Meh. A minor detail at best. French Guyana is in the EU, and it’s not even in the same hemisphere. That’s the thing about Europeans: we’re very bendy. All three have European histories, and large sections of their population have direct links to the Old Continent. So we might have to change the name from the European Union to, say, the Democratic Union. Big deal.
2. Their head of state is half-German (and lives in Europe), and her husband is Greek. Australia’s prime minister was actually born in England. The previous one but one was Welsh. Seriously? They’re probably entitled to an EU passport already.
3. Admittedly, it would mean being in a political union with France, who exploded the odd atomic bomb near two of them. But the Brits exploded them IN Australia, and they were forgiven. And don’t say the Brits didn’t know what they were doing at the time. They didn’t explode them in Scotland, and hardly anyone lives there. Anyway, it’s not like Canada has no experience in dealing with stroppy French people anyway. Might even calm Quebec down.
4. Every single Aussie, Kiwi and Canadian would be entitled to live, work, study and vote in the EU. No visas, no nothing. They’d also get free emergency healthcare, and of course, tariff free access to the single European market and the upcoming EU-US free trade area. Europe would get access to Canada’s oil, Australia’s uranium, and New Zealand’s dwarves.
5. Australia and Canada would be the seventh largest countries of the 27 countries of the EU. They’d be big cheeses. New Zealand would be like Ireland without kiddie fiddling priests and banker-terrorists.
6. They wouldn’t be negotiating with the Chinese, a couple of million to one billion, but over 500 million to one billion. And with the US one-to-one. When George Bush threatened to put a tariff on European steel before the 2004 election, the EU threatened a tariff on Florida oranges. He backed down. That’s what having a single market of 500 million gets you.
7. All three share our values on everything from gun control to the death penalty to gay rights to social healthcare to democracy, human rights, the rule of law, stability, and a solid economy. And they are not run by people who are mad. Or at least no more mad than our ones.
8. Every fourteen years, they’d get to run the whole of Europe for six months. Including Britain. Assuming they stay.
9. They’d be entitled to a European commissioner, seats on the European Council of Ministers and the European Court, and about 80 seats in the European Parliament between them. Think about that: they could make 80 of their pols live in Belgium for months at a time. Offer that up front and they start drawing up the list in their heads.
10. No reason why an Australian, Canadian or Kiwi could not end up as President of Europe. After all, Canada has cultural and liguistic links with Ireland, the UK, France and Belgium. Australia and New Zealand with Ireland and the UK. And here’s the thing: no natural enemies. Europe is full of countries with grudges going back years: No one has a grudge against Canada, New Zealand or Australia, which makes them ideal for appointment to the top jobs.
11. Finally, and this is the best reason of all: imagine the fury amongst British eurosceptics if the three started negotiating to join, against the wishes of their betters.
Is it plausible? Who knows? I’m just saying, don’t be too hasty. At least have a browse through the brochure.
Posted by Jason O on Feb 9, 2015 in Irish Politics
, Not quite serious.
Socialist Party Anti-Austerity Alliance TD Paul Murphy has lashed out at the Garda Siochana for treating him courteously and respecting his civil rights following an arrest earlier today.
Addressing a group of working class supporters who didn’t seem to have to go to work, Murphy said: “This is typical of the right-wing oppressive forces at work in the Garda Siochana. If this had been Chile under Pinochet I’d be beaten to a pulp, speaking to you now in a shirt covered in my own blood.
Or possibly even dead and on an iconic teeshirt!
But no! This regime is so opposed to socialism that they refuse to cooperate, and instead gave me a cup of tea and as many chocolate digestives as I could eat, all paid for by your taxes if you please! The fact that the oppressive police of this state refused to oppress me, that they actually allow us to speak here without shooting us even with plastic bullets, shows how devious and oppressive they really are! If they truly supported the working class they’d be baton charging the working class to remind the working class that they were being oppressed by being baton charged!”
Deputy Murphy continued in this vein for a a good twenty minutes until Jennings, his butler, collected him and drove him home.
Posted by Jason O on Feb 7, 2015 in Irish Politics
, Not quite serious.
RESPECT YOUR BETTERS!
Sinn Fein/The British Conservative and Union Party (delete as appropriate) have defended the rights of people descended from famous ancestors to be given special treatment above that of ordinary citizens not sharing a famous bloodline.
A spokesperson for the party said: “We are calling on people from these good families, who are entitled to this special treatment due to the superior blood in their veins, to be consulted on things like commemoration of national historical events/national legislation (delete as appropriate). It is only right that people whose key achievement in this regard is to have been born be sought out and asked their opinions with regard to these national matters. They should be given reserved seats on committees/in the House of Lords (delete as appropriate). I mean, it’s not like we want to copy those filthy republican practices of say, France, where all citizens are regarded as equal. This is a country where people must learn to respect their blood betters and know their place.”
Posted by Jason O on Feb 6, 2015 in Not quite serious.
, US Politics
The French Ministry of Science and Technology has surprised many by announcing that it is to commit €50 million to a campaign to encourage anti-science teaching in American schools.
A spokesman told us: “This is a wonderful opportunity for France and Europe. We would like to help American conservatives turn a whole generation of American schoolchildren against science, and instead obsess about stuff in a 2,000 year old book. Today, it’s evolution, but we are confident that within five years we can have them teaching that gravity is a communist idea, and that bio-technology is something to do with the Devil and homosexuality. We have one school board in Alabama voting tomorrow to teach that the Sun revolves around the United States. NASA aren’t happy, but the director of commercial satellite launching of the European Space Agency actually weed himself, he was laughing so much. Sent us a lovely hamper. It had cake.”
The ministry ruled out extending the policy to Europe. “Absolutely not. We need kids who can write software and develop new medicines, not wonder if God designed Zebras to look like they’re wearing pyjamas.”
Posted by Jason O on Jan 23, 2015 in Not quite serious.
, US Politics
The leadership of the GOP on Capitol Hill has announced that it will initiate articles of impeachment against the president on the grounds of breach of trust. RNC Spokesperson Charles Mayflower-Brooks III told us: “This president made a tacit contract with conservatives that he would become a communist dictator. Sure, he never said it, denied it even, but we managed to create that idea in our heads and by not implementing our conservative policies he let that idea fester and grow. Therefore, he’s lied to us, and has to go!”
Fox News has attacked the president this morning for “smirking, not liking his jacket, whatever”. The National Rifle Association savaged the president yesterday for forcing its members to spend billions of dollars on guns and ammunition to defend themselves from a Liberal Caliphate and then “not even having the class to use jackbooted federal thugs to oppress us and give us the chance to use all this stuff! Hell, I’m beginning to think this two-faced sonobitch isn’t going to try and implement a socialist police state at all!”
On being told the news when he arrived down for breakfast, the president picked up his iPad, tabbed on “Sons of Anarchy” on Netflix, and announced that he was going back to bed.
Repost: Faux indignation is his trump card. He’s constantly “not apologising to anyone” for having the courage to bring up the need to protect puppies from being put in blenders, or children from being fed gravel laced with arsenic. HE.WON’T.APOLOGISE. Oh no.
Sitting on the government backbenches, where he can’t attack people on real issues because he keeps voting for them, he’s desperate to get media attention. So desperate that he doesn’t mind coming across as Arthur Daley sincere or just a brain damaged moron. Every issue he and the oily urchin wannabe who’s his parliamentary assistant consider running with has to pass one test: will it get me in the papers/on the telly? That’s all that matters. It could be creating a National Bosco Museum or providing a box of After Eights to every pensioner, it doesn’t matter. The entire process hinges on “Look at me!”
The gas thing is that he has no interest in politics whatsoever. He’s only in this party because someone asked him first. Fascist? Communist? Conservative? Liberal? These are just words. If launching a passionate defence of Lebensraum will get him onto the Marian panel, he’ll be polishing his boots faster than you can say “Jawohl, mein fuhrer!”
Posted by Jason O on Jan 12, 2015 in European Union
, Not quite serious.
The US Fox News Channel has lashed out at Europeans for being soft on terrorism by not permitting Europeans to buy assault rifles. Speaking on FNC’s morning show, “Bibles & Bagels”, presenters Jon Blowdry and Leeza Findhusband mocked Europe’s gun death statistics.
“Look at the numbers of death by cop, for example. In Ireland and England, where the police aren’t even armed most of the time, hardly anybody gets shot dead by police. Yet heavily armed Muslim gangs roam the streets. I heard a story of special Muslim vans playing Islamic music as they drive around, trying to recruit children with a special ice cream called a 99. You know why it’s called that? Because 99 is the number of virgins the children are told they’ll get if they kill a Jew.”
Findhusband added that a country with low gun deaths is not serious about fighting terrorism. “Look at the USA. Every year, thousands of Americans give their lives for the right to bear arms and protect this country from terrorism. Thanks to them, we live in a country where you have a much greater chance of being shot dead by a God fearing Christian patriot than a Muslim terrorist. Europe doesn’t get that!”