The Taoiseach, Enda Kenny, has announced today that the recent scandal involving party nominees being appointed to state boards has been caused by a magical sorting hat in party headquarters. Journalists were led into a room in the party’s headquarters and shown a large hat which the party claims dispenses suitable names for appointment in compliance with legislation. The Taoiseach, when questioned, expressed his confidence that the hat was very well informed about the requisite regulations in “at least as much as headwear or, say, Heather Humphries, can be in this regard.”
During the press conference, one journalist pointed out that there was a large hole cut into both the hat and the table it was sitting on. The Taoiseach suggested that the building had a particularly virulent rodent problem. Looking under the table, it was revealed that the aforementioned mice seemed to enjoy reading a copy of the Fine Gael membership list.
Micheal Martin, leader of Fianna Fail, attacked the government’s reliance on an inanimate object to make decisions. When he was challenged to prove that he himself was not an inanimate object, he quickly fled from the room. Raised voices were later heard from another room, including a Corkman pleading with a “Miss Hanafin” to “Please, not the wicked stick again, no, not the face, not the face!”