Ernst Stavro Blofeld endorses Mitt Romney.

Activate the voting machines!

Activate the voting machines!

Good evening. As you know, for the last sixty years my predecessor clones and I have headed up SPECTRE, the Special Executive Council for Terror, Revenge and Extortion. During that time, we have fought various Western governments with their concepts of democracy and the rule of law. Then in the early 1980s, a new Australian member of the Council proposed a different approach. Rather than fight governments directly, why not take them over from inside?

We started by funding candidates willing to support our agenda, who then changed the laws on campaign financing and media balance and fairness, and then set up our own news channel to beam propaganda direct to the public. We also set up special committees to target specific groups of voters who could be bent to our agenda through emotional manipulation.

To be honest, I was sceptical. I’m a bit of a traditionalist, whether it is by stealing nuclear submarines or placing menacing platforms in space, but the results speak for themselves. SPECTRE owned energy and big business interests have done very nicely since 1980, and all legally too! We actually got to write the laws ourselves! And we’re saving a fortune in not having to maintain large and costly private armies. In fact, with the rise in private security outfits after Iraq, we can just buy in hired goons as we need them, without any pesky HR costs. And it’s all tax deductible (SPECTRE ® is a Delaware registered corporation. For tax reasons).

Of course, it’s not all perfect. By the end of the Bush administration, even we were glad to see the back of them, because they were so incompetent. It’s true, we did go in for the oil, but they made such a balls of the occupation that it took ages to get any of the sodding stuff out. Truth is, if Saddam hadn’t haggled so tough on the price, we would have left him there. So when Obama got in, we weren’t that worried. Another Democrat promising the stars. Big deal.

Then he killed that actor from “Knot’s Landing” we hired to play the character of Osama bin Laden, and brought in Universal healthcare and started complaining about how campaigns were financed. Next he’ll be appointing judges who don’t think freedom of speech has a price. Can’t have that. So we’ve decided to run our own campaign. Perhaps you’ve heard of our SuperPAC? SPEcial Committee To get Republicans Elected? By the way, Mitt isn’t a member of SPECTRE, funnily enough. Nor was George W. Probably never even heard of us. That’s not how we operate. No, we prefer to put people close to them. And not who you think either: Dick Cheney isn’t a member, because I know that if I let that bastard in the door he’d be after my job in weeks. Let’s just say, our guy in the Romney administration’s name rhymes with, eh, let’s say…Baul Byan.

So, vote Romey-Ryan on Tuesday. Because evil organisations dedicated to global domination are people too.

3 thoughts on “Ernst Stavro Blofeld endorses Mitt Romney.

  1. “not quite serious”? So good of you to clear that up, because the irony in it was so cleverly concealed. It reads like the garden variety trans-oceanic rationalization perfectly normal to any European daily’s opinion editor, actually.

    And I know perfectly the characters you’re alluding to. Every good smug citizen knows that Americans have modelled themselves after Blofeld anyway.

  2. Oh dear Joe. It’s a joke. I even labelled it “not quite serious” at the top. God bless your innocence. For the record, I don’t think Mitt Romney is a tool of secret baddies. Spectre is the creation of a British writer named Ian Fleming.

  3. Executive Council for Terror, Revenge and Extortion….

    Let’s see:
    – an executive who uses executive powers when the Congress passes law that defy the President’s “vision”, if tyou can even discern the collection of bumper-sticker statements being some kind of cohesive outlook.

    – terror: no-one thinking of engaging in any new or ongoing elterprise knows what the environmental laws really are any more. No-one can imagine where employer mandates will go, whether or not the hostility to accessing material and energy resources will continue or get worse…

    – Extortion: bankrupting car companies, cutting off the investors. Nationalizing them, puttng them up for sale to the Unions that bankrupted them, etal.
    Throwing billions more at “alternate energy research” that needs no more government spending on research, playing venture capitalist as a pretext to pay off campaign bundlers. Supporting state unions against states. Undermining state laws that are compliant with federal laws one of your supporting single-issue factions doesn’t like.

    Much as you don’t like to hear this, it’s not your election. It’s ours. And it’s none of your business whom we choose, or why we choose them. Let us have our vote without the natterings of Europeans who can wish all they want without bearing any of the consequences of their wishes, who willfully prefer to see half a picture than pleases them. In short: get a passion-inspiring political system of your own to drone on about.

    As to “global domination”, you’re a bridge too far in self-affirming fantasies. You should probably ask the question: WHY would any nation feel a need to do any of the things you like to think of as part of that “global domination?” More to the point, what inaction by others is forcing it to happen?

    I can understand WHY Europeans become so interested in our elections. For one thing it becomes a vehicle to enable gasbagging. The other thing about them, is that they actually appear to matter to the people who vote in them, and a way for europeans to act out their fetish of Fuererprinzip.

    You might also want to look into the ways and the nature of the authoritarianism-inspiring evil-genii you’re casting in the role of the American right: Fascism, and virtually every other form of state authoritarianism, is leftist, and employed the same “must help and fix mankind” rationalizations that the contemporary left use. The idea is simply to promise heaven on earth, or free mobile phones, in exchange for power. Once they have it… well… you know that they usually try to find ways to make sure they never have to give it back to people.

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