Jason OMahony - Irish political blogger, Irish politics, EU politics
 

Frank and Birgitte Vs. The Kremlin.

Posted by Jason O on Mar 4, 2014 in European Union, Events, Not quite serious. |

The White House.

President Frank Underwood rises from his seat to greet EU Council President and former Danish Prime Minister Birgitte Nyborg Christensen.

Frank:      “Birgitte, my God, look at you, it’s youngah you’re                               gettin’!”

Birgitte:   “Thank you Frank, you can take the syrup as poured,”

The President smiles at his EU counterpart, and directs her to a sofa.

Frank:     “Would you like a snack, Birgitte? Perhaps some                   ribs, or maybe I could tempt you to join me in                       an iced tea?”

Birgitte:  “Actually, I would like an apple, if that’s                                   possible?”

Frank:     “An apple? How sensible of you.” (sotto voce to                      camera: “An apple! How European!”)

Frank presses a button on his desk.

Frank:     “Maria, can we get President of the European Council of the European Union Nyborg                         (glance to camera) one of our delicious South Carolina apples?”

He then sits across from Birgitte.

Frank:      “Birgitte, I don’t mind telling you, It’s hard enough tryin’ to keep the Kremlin from                            spoiling the front patio when you guys over there in the European Union can’t agree on                      lunch, never mind a position on the Ukraine. I’ve seen better organised herds of                                  arthritic cats.”

Birgitte:   “I agree, but I think we can come to a common position…”

Frank:      “When? When he’s in Kiev? Riga? Warsaw? Birgitte, I grew up with guys like                                        our friend Vladimir. He’s a pretty straight guy, but he’ll only be straight with people he                     regards as equals. Whilst you guys are debating whether to cancel his subscription to                         G20 magazine, this guy is gonna keep helpin’ himself to your lunch money. You can win                     his respect alright: (Frank raps his heavy ring on the coffee table). With the stick.                               Maybe not used, but ready to be used.”

Birgitte:  “I agree Frank. I’m a nice caring European liberal, but I know a fascist when I                                     see one. I just think we need a little outside the box thinking.”

Frank:     “Go on.”

Birgitte:  “I’ve spent two days assembling a peacekeeping force. Denmark, Poland, Germany,                           France, Belgium and Luxembourg for a start…”

Frank:      “Luxembourg? Does Luxembourg even have tanks?”

Birgitte:    “They have anti-tank missiles and professional well-trained soldiers who know how to                      use them, Frank, and a Luxembourgish missile will take the turret off a Russian tank                          just as effectively as an American one. It’s a small force, Frank, just 160 vehicles. But I                      also have been studying this…”

Birgitte handed a file to the President. He opened it.

Frank:        “Public tenders for various building projects across Europe and the US. I don’t…”

Birgitte:     “Look at who is bidding on them.”

Frank reads on, smiles to himself, then turns to the camera: (“The Chinese are bidding on all these. Two Chinese firms in particular, both owned by members of the Chinese Military Commission. I Like the way her Nordic mind works!”)

Frank:        “You’re thinking of a pincer movement, aren’t you madame President?”

Birgitte smiles slightly.

Birgitte:     “NATO command tell me that the Chinese have a major exercise planned for the                                 Russian border for three weeks from now. Of course, if they were to suddenly mobilise                      and bring the exercise forward.”

Frank:        “Even the Kremlin doesn’t want to be worrying about an EU force entering the                                     Ukraine…”

Birgitte:       “A small but well-equipped peacekeeping force with US support available if needed,                          at the invitation of the Ukraine government,”

Frank smiled.

Frank:          “Of course. At the same time a million heavily armed Chinese are testing their shiny                            new armoured personnel carriers and fighter bombers on their Eastern flank.”

Birgitte:       “We’ll have to convince the Ukrainians to respect the Russian minority, of course,                              and perhaps devolve some autonomy to the Crimea and some other regions, but we                            leave the Kremlin very clear as to our lunch money.”

Frank:          “That we do, madame President. Let me see what happened to your apple. I wonder                          did they send someone to South Carolina to pick it!”

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