“We’re gathered here today to say farewell to…”
The Minister for Death, Michael Noonan, has suggested that grieving families may be permitted to use the new LUAS excavations and other roadworks throughout the state as a means of disposing of unwanted cadavers.
“It’s a question of logic, really,” the minister said, easing back into his seat and resting his feet on a grateful Fine Gael backbencher.
“We’re spending a fortune on aggregates, filling in foundations for the LUAS and new roads, and yet we have to put all these bodies somewhere, especially now as we had to abolish the funeral grant. Of course, we’ll have to regulate it. We can’t have people just turning up and chucking granny into a hole, I mean there’s health and safety implications. And then there’s the whole Love/Hate thing too. The Guards’ll want to know who is going in too, in fairness. But the basic idea works, and Leo’s got his department looking at it. Actually, now I come to think about it, I think Leo started looking at this idea before I ever suggested abolishing the grant.”
The Department of Foreign Affairs has proposed that as part of the Irish Heritage Certificate programme, members of the Diaspora could pay to be buried under a piece of Irish infrastructure of their choice.
“We’ve been missing a trick with this, to be honest,” an official said yesterday. “After all, Italian-Americans have been burying each other under roads and buildings for decades.”