Spontaneous crowds took to the streets across cities and towns in Ireland in delight today as a comprehensive study of the potential of Ireland’s natural resources revealed that there is not a single mineral which could add to the prosperity of the Irish People.
“This is great news,” Sean Furious, Co-Chair of People Against Everything Including Whatever That Thing Is They Do In Other Countries, announced. “This means now that the fat cats in the oil companies, nuclear companies, wind and solar industries won’t make a shilling in Ireland, and will be forced to invest in other countries. That’ll teach them. This report means that whereas we were only going to get a pitiful 40% of the profit of whatever was extracted in taxes, now we get to keep 100% of nothing, ensuring that every single bit of nothing remains with its rightful owners, the people of Ireland. If there’s anything that shows what sort of stuff the Irish people are made of, it’s that. Go on Ireland!”
The study itself was controversial, in that when the Department of Energy and Natural Resources announced it, there were large numbers of objections to the study, on the grounds of “children, radiation, my house will fall into a hole and the like. What’s that noise? Can you hear that noise? Did you know Gay Byrne is taping all my phone calls with my mother? She’s 93.”
The department will now be renamed the Department of Imported Energy, No Arse in Trousers and Self Pity, with special responsibility for All Dem Udder Countries Get All The Luck With Their Money Whilst Poor Old Ireland Is Left With Nothing.