Jason OMahony - Irish political blogger, Irish politics, EU politics
 

It is 2010. Sinn Fein and Co. have won the General Election. Part 2.

Posted by Jason O on Jun 26, 2009 in Irish Politics, Not quite serious. |

Minister for Finance, Joe Higgins TD
Minister for Finance, Joe Higgins TD

September 2011.

Joe Higgins announces proposals to nationalise 50 largest Irish companies. AIB, CRH pledge to fight proposals in the courts.

Record increase in company failures as inability to reduce overheads through redundancy drives companies into collapse. Leaks of heated fights in cabinet between SF ministers and SP ministers over use of state money to bail out small companies. SF TDs reportedly under huge pressure from small business supporters in constituencies for aid, SP ministers propose nationalisation regardless of size.

Coir/Youth Defence call for scrapping of civil partnership and existing welfare benefits for gays at ard fheis. Joe Higgins condemns comments.

Unemployment reaches 26.5%. EU Commission blocks payment of structural fund over breach of borrowing rules. Richard Boyd Barrett calls for mass public demonstrations against EU.

Hospital waiting lists leaps as now abolished private insurance patients join list.

700,000 private health insurance policy holders march in Dublin. Richard Boyd Barret calls for mass public demonstration against mass public demonstration.

Government support drops to 41%.

Energy minister Cillian Forde announces that all oil and gas fields off the coast are to be nationalised in the name of the people. Major oil companies vow that they will not assist in the exploitation of the natural resources. A government spokesperson declares that it is better that the gas remain in the ground than become profits for the exploitative ruling classes and their agenda to crush the international working peoples and their all………the statement goes on for some time.

 

October 2011.

Joe Higgins announces difficulty in borrowing additional funds for massive rises in public spending. Suggests pact with Venezuela.

US multinationals announce plans to scale back on operations, refusing to pay workers. Government announces plans to prosecute companies.

Drug trial collapses due to jury intimidation. Senior Gardai blame lack of Special Criminal Court. Aengus O’Snodaigh threatens senior Gardai with dismissal. Gardai respond with “Blue Flu” work to rule. DUP First Minister offers to deploy PSNI officers in south, but is rebuffed. DUP condemn “partitionist” approach to policing on the island by Sinn Fein. 

Bus, train drivers demand anti-inflation pay rise. Government agrees.  

US Government warns of visa restrictions against Irish citizens. Richard Boyd Barrett calls for mass public demonstrations against US.

Emigration, particularly of heavily taxed graduates, rises sharply.

Unemployment reaches 28%.

Joe Higgins proposes withdrawal from Euro to permit government to print money.

A sharp rise in inflation to 11% triggers public sector unions to demand emergency additional pay increases.

Government support falls to 32%.

 

November 2011.

Government announces suspension of Euro membership, and immediate issue of An Punt Nua. ECB suspends Irish membership of Eurozone. Government announces strict exchange controls, bans on buying or selling of foreign currency. Prices of imports soar, causing inflation to leap to 18%.

Government begins printing of New Punts, agrees to public sector demands.

Exports collapse in chaos of currency confusion. Companies collapsing soar. Unemployment leaps to 31%.

Government announces massive public sector hiring programme to reduce unemployment.

Government satisfaction collapses to 15%.

New Punt plummets in value as Central Bank prevented from massive interest rate rises needed to protect it. Effectively inconvertible with foreign currencies, thus preventing Irish from travelling abroad. Strikes, collapse in hospitality industry following tax rises keep foreign tourists from visiting Ireland.

Large public demonstrations against New Punt, price rises and unemployment increase. Sinn Fein, Socialist TDs assaulted by mob outside Dail, rescued by Garda riot squad.

Joe Higgins calls for nationalisation bill to be moved. Bill fails as Coir/Youth Defence, Labour and independents vote against.

Richard Boyd Barrett calls for mass public demonstration against Coir/Youth Defence and Labour.

 

December 2011.

Government announces that possession of foreign currencies to be made illegal in attempt to strengthen New Punt as blackmarket use of Euronotes found to be widespread. Draconian sentences proposed for those found in possession of foreign currency. Garda commissioner warns of practical inability to enforce such a law. Minister O’Snodaigh threatens to dismiss Garda commissioner, and replace Garda with a “People’s Community Militia.”

Enterprise Ireland warn of massive emigration by skilled graduates. Joe Higgins proposes Graduate Exit Tax. 

French President offers financial aid if Ireland returns to Maastricht criteria. Richard Boyd Barrett calls for massive public demonstrations against  France.

Unemployment reaches 37%, inflation 30%. Reports of fistfights within Sinn Fein parliamentary party. Daily demonstrations against government. Cuba offers to send troops to assist maintain public order. US warns it will not permit Cuban troops to land in Ireland.

Government support falls to 7%. Public sector unions demand pay increases in Euro to tackle inflation, refusing New Punts. EU warns that illegal printing of Euro notes will be regarded as an act of economic war against EU. German Chancellor warns that national mint will be “decommissoned by whatever means necessary” if government attempts to print Euronotes illegally. French fighters from the aircraft carrier Richlieu, sitting in Dublin Bay, overfly the mint in Sandyford to make a point. Government orders army to shoot down planes but army unable to due to refusal of govt to invest in “militarist equipment”. PANA stages an Anti Aircraft mime show to attempt to ward off French military aircraft with positive “Peace Energy”. French aircraft seem impervious.

Rioting by teachers, nurses as government unable to meet Euro demand. Martin Ferris deploys army to surround Leinster House. Government deputies have to be evacuated by helicopter. Shocking scenes on television as panicked government deputies engage in punch up on roof of Leinster House for last seats on army helicopters. Image of a Sinn fein deputy rabbitpunching Richard Boyd Barrett in the throat graces front of The Economist, London Times, New York Times, etc. President Obama offers to deploy Massachuesetts, Illinois National Guard to Ireland. Government refuses.

Reports of graduates sneaking across border into Northern Ireland, avoiding paying GET. Martin Ferris orders army to seal border. DUP/SF government in North in chaos as British government refuses to seal border with PSNI/Army.

  

January 2012.

ICTU calls general strike over government failure to tackle inflation, unemployment. Public transport, buses, supermarkets, hospitals all closed.

Public sector unions slate government over inflation, demanding restoration of the Euro.

Government taken to court by IBEC/ICTU over unilateral withdrawal from Eurozone as a breach of the Maastricht treaty. 

Aengus O’Snodaigh calls for strikes to be made illegal.

Government TDs complain of suffering violent assault on streets by members of public. All are issued with Garda bodyguards.

Govt parties now at 8% in opinion poll.

Supreme Court rules that withdrawal from Masstricht treaty requires referendum.

After nineteen hour cabinet meeting government agrees to put EU withdrawal to a referendum. Taoiseach McDonald insists that all government members be free to call Yes or No vote to continued EU membership.

Date for referendum set. Government rocked as McDonald calls for No vote against leaving EU. Richard Boyd Barrett calls for mass demonstrations against the Taoiseach.

Fianna Fail/Fine Gael/Labour/Green NO campaign sits quietly by as government parties tear each other part during referendum. Coir/Youth Defence announce that the government is in the grip of a secret homosexual Satanist conspiracy. Joe Higgins denounces Sinn Fein as members of the nationalist bourgeois establishment.

On a turnout of 65%, Ireland votes No to EU withdrawal by 81%.

Government loses motion of no confidence moved by its own members. General election called. Richard Boyd Barrett calls for mass public demonstrations against the president, the government, EU, US, Worldbank, multinationals, The Economist, fatty foods, etc.

Breakaway faction in PBP at National Convention cause chaos as delegates denounce each other for being “Careerist Kerenskyists” and condemn government as “bourgeois sellouts.” Calls made for working classes to rise up and form a workers collective.

They don’t.

They do however elect FF/FG TDs in massive numbers.

Every member of the cabinet loses seat. Caoimhin O’Caoilain sole remaining LCA TD, by nine votes on the 17th count.

2 Comments

Adrian
Jun 26, 2009 at 9:34 am

Hilarious.

Except the omission about Pat Carey telling everyone that his “seat is gone” in both elections and getting back in comfortably.


 
mark
Aug 6, 2009 at 9:07 pm

this is so funny- and terrifying, i love the definition of working class!


 

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