My Predictions for 2009

The Future! Where's me bleedin' rocket car, then?

Like everybody else, I shall be making a valiant effort to both eat my weight in turkey and singlehandedly reflate the economy ( I am, if not anything else, a patriot.) and so won’t be posting much over the Christmas period. So here are my predictions for 2009.

President Obama sworn in. Republicans in Congress propose bill to remove letters B,U,S,and H from computer keyboards. Hilary Clinton announces initiative to broaden the appeal of the Democratic Party in the southern states, by reaching out to people who thought that in the movie “Mississippi Burning” Gene Hackman played a baddie.
Richard Bruton blames the government for everything from the economic crisis to why those new jeans bought just before Christmas don’t fit.
Eamonn Gilmore angrily attacks the government for, well, everything.
Kathryn Thomas is on the cover of VIP.

As credit crunch continues and country struggles to pay its massive debts, Bertie Ahern appointed Minister for the National Debt to explain to our creditors where their money actually is. They are bamboozled for six months.
Eamonn Gilmore spills milk whilst opening carton, angrily attacks the government.
Glenda Gilson is on the cover of VIP.

Massive demonstrations in the streets against capitalism, the government, cutbacks, the moon, etc. Joe Duffy finds a single person who will admit to having gained from the Celtic Tiger. Fintan O’Toole demands his immediate arrest as an enemy of the people.
Eamonn Gilmore launches a CD of the collected speeches of Joan Burton, and angrily attacks the government.
A Seoige is on the Cover of VIP.

Leo Varadkar, clad head to toe in motorcycle leather, leads a demonstration against foreigners “Coming over here, working in Spar and paying their taxes, the cheeky bastards!”
Kathryn Thomas is on the cover of VIP.
Eamonn Gilmore forgets to put bins out, angrily attacks the government.

Country has vague recollection of “The Lisbon treaty crisis” whatever that was.
Glenda Gilson is on the copy of VIP.
National Museum launches its Forgotten Heirlooms series of lectures, starting with “1000 kilometres for a handbag? The forgotten glory days of the New York shopping trip.” Followed up by “ 1000 square feet and an erection: Irish Times property supplements 1997-2007”
Eamonn Gilmore gets jam on favourite pair of slacks, angrily attacks the government.

Large number of Fianna Fail councillors are re-elected as Independent-Jaysus-Aren’t-This-Crowd-Who-Are-In-Whoever-They-Are-Just-Desperate? Candidates.
Joe Higgins fails to be elected to the European Parliament as his Let’s Privatise The Banks policy is regarded as just too radical.
A Seoige is on the copy of VIP.

The entire country has beans on toast for its tea. Fine Gael realises that they have actually done badly in an election. John Deasy escapes from his cages and savages Enda Kenny, and is put down.
Kathryn Thomas is on the cover of VIP.
Eamonn Gilmore gets haircut, doesn’t like it, angrily attacks the government.

Whole country goes to Courtown for its holidays, including Eamonn Gilmore who angrily attacks a B&B owner when his hard boiled egg is a bit runny and his soldiers look a bit too NATOey for his liking.
Glenda Gilson is on the cover of VIP.

Kids back to school. Wallpaper covering of schoolbooks back in fashion, as are Big Time bars.
Eamonn Gilmore stubs toe, angrily attacks government.
A Seoige is on the copy of VIP.

Country outraged that when we rattle begging bowl at Brussels, USA, they rattle begging bowls back at us. RTE has a new hit reality show which follows the wacky adventures of a fella who got a job.

Country votes to ratify Lisbon treaty as Aren’t-We-In-Enough-Shit-Without-Irritating-the-Neighbours? message hits home
Kathryn Thomas is on the cover of VIP.
Eamonn Gilmore misses the bus, angrily attacks government.

Prime Time leads with an exclusive that someone in Artane has bought a house. It dominates national debate for a week.
Glenda Gilson is on the copy of VIP.
Eamonn Gilmore copies and pastes an angry attack on the government, as he’s busy doing his Christmas shopping.

The Late Late Show Toy Special involves a lot of plain cardboard boxes, sellotape and scissors. Pat Kenny causes a riot when he announces that there’s a loaf of bread and a fish for every member of the audience.
Eamonn Gilmore is left with a Topic bar in his Christmas selection box, and angrily attacks the government.

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