Devout members of the National Rifle Association have expressed horror at the finding of theologists that firearms are probably not permitted nor available in heaven, as they are not mentioned in the Bible.

The Christian gun rights organisation Rapture Recoil has condemned the findings, and called on the United States Government to invade Heaven to ensure that those RR members who have already passed on have their rights to bear arms vindicated.

“We have a right to keep our guns upon entering paradise for self defense purposes. Or supposing we enter the Kingdom of God, and decide that we need to liberate Muslim heaven or what ever they call it. That socialist in the White House should do the decent thing and tell Jesus, may The Lord praise his name, that the United States will not tolerate no liberal gun-free zone in Our Lord’s House, and Our Lord better pay attention to the US of A and change his mind about guns if he knows what’s good for him. Those angels don’t look like much of a match for an Apache gunship, and no guy in a nightshirt with wings is going to take my M16 from me. Unless he’s got one too, obviously. Then I’ll surrender immediately. I’ve no problem shooting at unarmed animals, but I’m sure as hell not taking the risk of shooting at something that might shoot back!”